Scroll down for links to funny animal pics and other attempts at humor.
This page features a collection of funny jokes about U.S. states.
Read on and have a laugh! You owe it to yourself.
Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, and smacks the dog in the head with it, killing him instantly.
A reporter happens by, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "That was the most incredible act of bravery I've ever seen!" the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: "Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!"
The little hero sees this and says, "But sir, I'm not a Bama Fan, I'm an Auburn Fan!"
The reporter scowls, flips the page and begins a new headline: "Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet"
You Know You're In Alaska When...
ODE TO ARIZONA
The Devil wanted a place on earth.
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Arizona.
and ordered no rain to fall:
He dried up the lakes in the valleys,
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over this barren desert
He transplanted shrubs from Hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear –
The climate suited them well.
Then he made the rattlesnake.
With its forked and poisonous tongue:
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow its young.
Then he made Scorpions and Lizards
And the ugly old Horned Toad,
and placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.
"By Golly," he finally panted
"I did my job too well.
I'm going back where I came from
Arizona's hotter than Hell!"
ARKANSAS PROFESSIONAL ENGINEERING EXAM
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a. '66 Ford Fairlane
b. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
c. '64 Pontiac GTO
3. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine at 24 inches on center with a field rock foundation.
The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1" thick rough sawn pine.
When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
4. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
It is said that in California, when pulled over by the Highway Patrol, you're asked for your real estate license, since not everyone has a driver's license.
If you don't like the weather in Denver, wait 15 minutes.
Delaware State Motto: Please Call Before Visiting So We Can Make Room
Florida State Motto: Ask us about our grandkids!
HOW THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF MICROSOFT WERE LOCATED IN GEORGIA
Walking along the beach, a man found a bottle and opened it.
A genie appeared and said, "For setting me free, I will grant you one wish."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. I’m afraid that’s virtually impossible."
The man then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women."
The genie considered this for a minute and said, "Do you want two lanes, or four?"
You know you’re in Idaho when:
One time, the Chicago Cubs were at batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter.
VOICE ON LOUD SPEAKER: Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 5-0 in the 7th inning...
A wicked Chicago man died and went to Hell, where the Devil locked him in a room and cranked up the heat.
The man smiled and said, "Just like Chicago in spring!"
So the Devil cranked up the heat even more. The man smiled and said, "Just like Chicago in June!"
So the Devil cranked the heat to the maximum. The man smiled and said, "Just like Chicago in August!"
The Devil became so annoyed that he shut off the heat and turned on the air conditioning as high as it would go. The room froze in seconds. Ice was everywhere.
The man smiled and said, "Well, I'll be damned! The Cubs won the World Series!”
You Might Be An Iowan If...
True News Stories
A man walked into a Kansas convenience store and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small. So he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills.
STATE OF KENTUCKY RESIDENCY APPLICATION
(Check appropriate box)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right
(_) Hair Dresser
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)don't rightly know
Louisiana State Motto: We're Not All Drunken Cajun Weirdos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Engineers from the U.S. Geological Survey declared that the border between New Hampshire and Maine must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.
Farmer said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."
Maryland State Motto: If it weren't for Washington DC, you'd never find us.
Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.
After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"
"Yes Sir! Class of '2014!" they answered proudly.
The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '78."
Q: How many University of Michigan fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.
Minnesota State Slogans:
Q. How do you keep a Minnesota Viking out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
Q. What do the Vikings and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: What are the three biggest cities in Mississippi?
A: Memphis, Mobile and New Orleans.
Mississippi State Motto:
MISSISSIPPI - HOW DO YOU SPELL IT? I-T!
TRUE NEWS STORY
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Montana State Motto: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
Nebraska State Motto: Ask Us About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada State Motto: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire State Motto: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Mexico State Motto: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
below image credit: thedailycute.com
A man was telling his co-worker that the company was transferring him to New York City, but that he had decided to quit his job instead, because he was just too afraid of all the crime.
His co-worker said, “New York is a magnificent city, with world class museums, great public transportation, and all the conveniences. Why, I myself worked in New York for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
”Really?” said the first man. "What did you do there?"
Coworker replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."
North Carolina State Motto: Tobacco is a Vegetable
TRUE NEWS STORY:
A North Carolina man purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, and insured them against flood, fire, and theft. Within a month, he'd smoked all the cigars and hadn't made even his first premium payment on the policy.
So he filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had smoked the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous, but noted that the policy clearly stated that the cigars were insured against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire."
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.
But as soon as the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and his own testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property, and was sentenced to 2 years in prison and a $24,000 fine.
TRUE NEWS STORY
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber.
Newton called the woman a liar and said, "I should of blown your head off," then, noticing the dead silence in the room, quickly added, "...if I'd been the one that was there." Newton was swiftly convicted.
Rhode Island State Motto: We're Not REALLY An Island
Actual note received from the Department of Social Services in Greenville, South Carolina
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
South Dakota State Motto: Closer Than North Dakota
TRUE NEWS STORY
Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of marijuana in her purse.
TRUE NEWS STORY
A bank robber in Bumpus, Tennessee, handed a teller the following note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other triks or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff on them, too."
Needless to say, the robbery was unsuccessful.
ACTUAL QUOTES BY TEXAS POLITICIANS
1. "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket." Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury.
2. "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?" Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs.
3. "I am filled with humidity." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
4. "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane, and women..." Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.
5. "This is unparalyzed in the state's history." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
6. "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
7. "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
8. "There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information." Don Rottenberg.
STATE SLOGAN: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
A man called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is that in?"
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
Due to the popularity of the reality shows, Wyoming is planning to create a show called Survivor: Wyoming Style.
The contestants will start in Cheyenne, travel to Lusk, Newcastle, Moorcroft, over to Gillette, down to Bar Nun and on to Hell's Half Acre. They will then proceed up to Worland, on to Meeteetse, then on to Shoshoni, Lander, and Casper. From there, they'll proceed to Medicine Bow, Laramie, and finally back to Cheyenne.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm a gay vegetarian who voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to Cheyenne alive wins.
Air Travel Discount Deals and Low-Cost Lodging in all 50 States and Washington DC.
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